Dear Therapist…

Why won’t he commit?

Q: Dear Therapist,

Help! I’m going out of my mind! I met Edward a few months ago on a dating app and we immediately clicked. He is really funny, good looking and I am so happy when we’re together.

On our first date he said he wasn’t looking for anything serious, but we have both said how we didn’t expect us to get on so well leading to us meeting up a few times a week and eventually having sex. Whilst I have done my best not to put pressure on him, I just can’t understand why he doesn’t want us to take the next step and make it official. I always find myself falling in love with men who won’t commit and I can’t understand what I’m doing wrong.

I’ve asked him if he’s talking to other women and he said he isn’t. I’ve asked him if he can see himself settling down some day and he says he can. I’ve asked him if he finds me attractive and he says he does - I don’t understand! I keep myself fit and healthy and take pride in my appearance, I have a good job and a healthy social life and really don’t feel that I’m asking too much. I’m really not sure what else I can do. Any help would be much appreciated - I really don’t want to lose him!

Thanks,

Anna

A: Hi Anna,

From your message I can hear just how confused you’re feeling about Edward’s lack of commitment. I can also hear how hard you’re working to try and be the sort of person he’d consider good enough to settle down with - unfortunately I think this might be where you’re going wrong!

To use your words - you are fit, healthy and take pride in your appearance. You have a good job and social life and you’ve both acknowledged how well you get on. You also know that this isn’t about him wanting to date other people. So the good news: It’s unlikely Edward’s lack of commitment is anything to do with you. And the bad news: It’s unlikely Edward’s lack of commitment is anything to do with you. Confusing indeed!

I notice in your letter that you are entirely self focused in your attempt to provide answers for Edward’s commitment reservations. I wonder if you have you considered that this is something to do with him and not you? People have lots of reasons for not wanting to commit; from previous heartbreak, a desire to focus on themselves and their own needs without being responsible to another for a bit longer…all the way to unresolved attachment trauma.

Whilst dating apps can seem like a much easier way to meet people, there’s often a mix of people at different points on the relationship spectrum. There are those looking for something completely casual, to those like yourself hoping for commitment. It sounds like Edward is landing in one of those more nuanced spots. Your current arrangement seems to be in line with Edward’s need, but not your own.

Although I’d imagine disappointing, my advice would be would be: Listen and believe him when he says he’s not ready to settle down. If you accepted this information, what would you do then? So often I work with client’s who are convinced they can change a person’s mind or behaviour if they just tried a bit harder but I haven’t seen it happen yet. Much more likely is that a person wastes their time and energy not listening to what they’ve been told and developing feelings, only to end up heartbroken when they had the very information that could spare them this pain all along. If a friend was in this situation with a man, what would you advise her to do? I encourage you to care about yourself as much as you would one of your friends and heed that advice.

As unromantic as it may sound, part of the success of a committed relationship is two people being as the same stage of desire for commitment independently of one another. Rom Coms have been particularly unhelpful in creating the narrative of chase, drama, happily ever after, but I’m afraid that it’s Hollywood selling us a lie.

You also mention that you often end up falling in love with men who won’t commit and I notice my own therapist curiosity as to why that might be? In sessions I do a lot of work with attachment styles and I wonder if you might benefit from looking at this for yourself.

If you don’t have the finances for therapy at the moment, I’d really recommend looking into the work of Dianne Poole Heller and her work on attachment styles - she has some great material to help better understand ourselves in relationships. She also has a free online quiz that is a great starting place. I hope that you will consider redirecting your time and energy in your own direction as this self-attention is far more likely to reap you the rewards of a happy settled relationship that you deserve.

Wishing you all the best,

Gemma

Dear Therapist…

Sometimes I wish id never had children

Q: Dear Therapist,

I’m a mum of two children, aged 4 and 2. At the end of each day I’m absolutely exhausted but cannot sleep at night because of a horrendous secret I’m carrying: Sometimes I wish I’d never had children.

Please don’t get me wrong, I love my children more than I’ve ever loved anything or any one, but the constant demand for my attention, entertainment, snacks and the constant need to tidy up after them, plan fun activities is leaving me feeling a shell of my former self and incredibly guilty for feeling like this.

I have some supportive mum friends but none of them seem to struggle like I do which only makes me feeling even more alone and ashamed. Am I terrible for feeling like this? How do I get these feelings to stop or does this mean that my feelings are true and that I shouldn’t have been a mother? I’d be devastated if I wasn’t doing a good enough job for them.

Please help me!

Cora - 38.


A: Hi Cora,

I think what’s clear from your question is just how deeply you care about the kind of mum you are and the impact you are having on your children. This sort of self reflective question doesn’t typically come from mothers who aren’t doing a good enough job. In fact, I’d say the very opposite. I hope my answer will remove some of the pressure you feel under and make things a little lighter and less shame inducing.

A rule I learned in my early days of being a psychotherapist was this: Guilt is unexpressed resentment. Resentment comes from a feeling of being treated unfairly. When a client of mine is feeling guilty, I ask them to express that guilt as resentment instead, so let’s try it here.

When you become a mother you automatically sign up for a uniquely one way relationship. As you mention in your question, that often looks like being the sole entertainer, snack provider, tidy-upperer (!), source of comfort and bed time story reader (to name few!). I’d imagine that it’s literally non-stop from the moment you wake up until you go to bed and this is before we’ve even begun to discuss any additional responsibilities you may have like work/housekeeping/maintaining friendships/partnerships etc. Simply put, it’s an impossible task! If bed time is the only time you’re having to yourself, it’s not surprising that these feelings are surfacing then.

In any other relationship, we have a right to expect support or share the load with those we give so much to. Imagine if any other relationship expected this much of you, offering little but tantrums and the occasional moment of peace whilst they napped in return. Would you feel guilty then? Unlikely. You’d probably recognise you were in a one way relationship and something needed to change and your resentment would be easy to recognise and justify! Simply put, if resentment is an emotion caused by imbalance and unfairness, then feeling resentment as a mother is practically unescapable!

You were a whole person with a whole life before your children came along. I’m sure you’ve sacrificed a lot to make so much room for them and I’m quite sure that your children haven’t acknowledged that (nor should they!). But the good news here is that this acknowledgment and praise is something you can offer yourself.

Next time that feeling of guilt strikes, I encourage you to make a list of all the things you do for them. Next to it, write a list of all the things you’ve had to give up to do these things. Ask yourself if these are the behaviours of a woman who should be feeling guilty, or if they are in fact the behaviours of someone who has a lot to be appreciated for. I hope you’ll realise it’s the latter. You don’t mention a partner in your letter, but I wonder if you have anyone else that could offer you 15 minutes to do this at some stage the day (possibly during nap time), it might help some of the feelings shift before bed time so that you’re able to sleep a little more easily. If not, I’d recommend keeping a notebook and pen by your bed and jotting things down for a few minutes before lights out.

Finally, you mention in your question that you don’t see your mum friends struggling in the same way. As much as I’d never wish this struggle on anyone I can almost guarantee they are. Mum friends so often come with a dose of competitiveness that usually comes from desperately wanting to do the best for their children and not to be judged by society or one another. The reality is becoming a mum is such an unknown experience. Sadly we live in a culture that offers so many ‘right/wrong/correct/incorrect’ ways of being a parent that it can be a source of additional shame and overwhelm to them - not helpful! My advice would be to find the friend you really trust and next time you see them, open up about how you’re feeling. A good friendship should always offer reassurance and empathy, so even if they’re not struggling in the same way, hopefully you will come away feeling lighter and less alone. And if you do manage to find a human who is struggling with absolutely nothing - then you’ve almost certainly found one who isn’t as honest as you are…

Wishing you all the best,

Gemma

Dear Therapist…

My daughter is making poor life choices.

Dear Therapist,

I am extremely concerned about my daughter & the life choices she is making.

She is in her late twenties and has temporarily moved back home with myself and my husband following a recent break up with her boyfriend. I knew that this boyfriend was wrong for her and told her on so many occasions but she wouldn’t listen. Part of me is relieved the break up has happened because he was awful and definitely not right for her. He never had much to say for himself and never made any time to visit us always preferring to play football or go out with his friends. He was very selfish, something I’ve tried to get her to realise. I understand she feels heartbroken now, but I can’t really understand why she liked him in the first place!

Since she’s moved home I’ve repeatedly asked her if she’s ok but she won’t open up to me. I feel so hurt that I’m being frozen out when all I’m doing is trying to help. I’ve made it clear she’s welcome to stay for as long as she needs and I’ve taken her shopping to try to cheer her up. I have been cooking some of her favourite meals but nothing seems to work and I’m beginning to lose my patience.

You should probably know that this is the latest in a long list of worries I’ve had about my daughter. My husband and I worked so hard to give her & our son everything they needed growing up so I don’t really understand why she’s found herself in this position. Whilst my son has gone onto to do very well as an accounts manager, she lacks the desire to really pursue anything in terms of a career. At the moment she’s working as a care assistant in a local care home and to be honest I feel disappointed that this is all she’s managed to achieve. Any time I try to broach this with her she gets very defensive and closes down - there’s no helping some people!

I’m hoping you might help me find a way to get through to her. I love her very much but I’m so worried if something doesn’t change she’s going to end up not reaching her potential and that would be a shame as she’s a very nice, bright girl.

Joanne.

Hi Joanne,

I can really hear your concern and confusion around the decisions your daughter is making.

My first observation was how your letter didn’t provide a name for your daughter, and I notice what an impact this has when attempting to write my reply.

The term “your daughter” only identifies her as an extension of you. Whilst it’s true she is your daughter, I’d imagine she is many other things too. So for the purpose of recognising her a whole individual, I’m going to give the pseudonym Becky for the remainder of my answer.

I find myself wondering if some of the pressure you might be feeling is related to how you view your relationship to Becky and I’m wondering how responsible you feel for how her life is playing out? Of course a parent has a huge responsibility for their child growing up, and I can hear from your letter you did the best you could and gave everything you had to offer.

I wonder how much of your concern might be eased if you allow yourself to remember that Becky isn’t a girl any more, but a woman in her own right and as such has the autonomy to date and choose her line of work for herself. You may be correct that some of your parenting is responsible for the way she is managing her life today, but as an adult that is now her job to manage.

Being a parent is so difficult as one must go through many stages of change and loss as your children move grow into adults. I wonder if you’ve ever let yourself acknowledge the impact these life stages have had on you? I encourage you to reflect on this and seek your own therapeutic support to manage any unprocessed emotions if necessary. Once both the adult-child and adult-parent have processed and grieved these necessary transitions in their relationship, a very meaningful, loving relationship has room to thrive and flourish. A relationship that recognises both as autonomous adults.

In your letter I heard how keen you were to support Becky and noticed myself wondering what kind of support Becky might need. You identify that the practical and material support you offer isn’t helping as much as you’d like it to. I understand that this must be frustration. When we see someone we love in pain it’s very tempting to try and solve that pain for them so that they can return to being happy as soon as possible. Whilst this is understandable, we can often mistake our good intentions of support towards another as being all about them, when it reality it is some of our own discomfort we are attempting to alleviate. Your comment “running out of patience” highlights to me that you are attempting to soothe some of your own pain through control of what Becky does or doesn’t do.

One thing I’ve learnt as a psychotherapist that the true meaning of love is freedom. To truly love someone is to give them the freedom to be who they are and to love them for that. That’s not to say that we should enable them to harm themselves or others, but that if their interests or desires don’t match with ours then that is ok. There’s no end of wonderfully interesting and diverse ways people choose to live their lives which makes things much more interesting than if we were all the same. It sounds to me like whilst you’re comfortable displaying your love in a material sense, that Becky’s choice of work evidences she is forging her own path with a more emotion focused approach. I wonder if you might hold some space and curiosity about what she’s learning from the world, as now she’s an adult it’s very likely she has some wisdom to share with you also.

In terms of practice advice I have two pieces for you: Firstly, I would suggest the following exercise that I hope might be more in line with the support Becky values. The exercise is about building Empathy: “The ability to understand and share feelings of another.” To do this, please get a pen and paper and take some time to imagine that you were Becky for a moment. Without thinking about yourself or how you feel, jot down anything that Becky might be feeling right now. You might end up with a list that reads something like: “Really sad to be single, scared about what the future holds, grateful for stable job with so much other uncertainty being experienced right now, grateful to mum and dad for letting me stay, sad that mum thinks my job isn’t good enough.” Once you’ve spent half an hour doing reflective exercise this, I’d like you to go to Becky and explain to her that you’ve been working on this list and ask her to help you identify which of the things are true for her, which need a little adjustment and which aren’t true for her. If she engages, I’d like you to listen to what she responds and trust it. If she won’t engage, I’d like you to tell her that you understand it’s not the right time for her, and that you hope when the time is right that you can hold some space to hear how she’s feeling.

Finally, I’m often finding myself explain to my clients that we can’t change other people, so too much time sat talking about them is pointless. What we can do in therapy is really reflect on our own feelings about a person, situation or dilemma that we face. Therefore, the second task I’d like you to do is re-write your Dear Therapist letter from a Joanne’s viewpoint. I’m wondering how your letter might suddenly read very differently? I wonder if it might read something like: Dear Therapist, I’m worried I haven’t done enough for my daughter, or, Dear Therapist, I am confused by what I see. Or Dear Therapist, I am a scared of what will happen if I trust others to know what is best for themselves. Please feel welcome to reflect on this invitation & write to me again with anything you come up with.

Warmly,

Gemma