Q: Dear Therapist,
Help! I’m going out of my mind! I met Edward a few months ago on a dating app and we immediately clicked. He is really funny, good looking and I am so happy when we’re together.
On our first date he said he wasn’t looking for anything serious, but we have both said how we didn’t expect us to get on so well leading to us meeting up a few times a week and eventually having sex. Whilst I have done my best not to put pressure on him, I just can’t understand why he doesn’t want us to take the next step and make it official. I always find myself falling in love with men who won’t commit and I can’t understand what I’m doing wrong.
I’ve asked him if he’s talking to other women and he said he isn’t. I’ve asked him if he can see himself settling down some day and he says he can. I’ve asked him if he finds me attractive and he says he does - I don’t understand! I keep myself fit and healthy and take pride in my appearance, I have a good job and a healthy social life and really don’t feel that I’m asking too much. I’m really not sure what else I can do. Any help would be much appreciated - I really don’t want to lose him!
Thanks,
Anna
A: Hi Anna,
From your message I can hear just how confused you’re feeling about Edward’s lack of commitment. I can also hear how hard you’re working to try and be the sort of person he’d consider good enough to settle down with - unfortunately I think this might be where you’re going wrong!
To use your words - you are fit, healthy and take pride in your appearance. You have a good job and social life and you’ve both acknowledged how well you get on. You also know that this isn’t about him wanting to date other people. So the good news: It’s unlikely Edward’s lack of commitment is anything to do with you. And the bad news: It’s unlikely Edward’s lack of commitment is anything to do with you. Confusing indeed!
I notice in your letter that you are entirely self focused in your attempt to provide answers for Edward’s commitment reservations. I wonder if you have you considered that this is something to do with him and not you? People have lots of reasons for not wanting to commit; from previous heartbreak, a desire to focus on themselves and their own needs without being responsible to another for a bit longer…all the way to unresolved attachment trauma.
Whilst dating apps can seem like a much easier way to meet people, there’s often a mix of people at different points on the relationship spectrum. There are those looking for something completely casual, to those like yourself hoping for commitment. It sounds like Edward is landing in one of those more nuanced spots. Your current arrangement seems to be in line with Edward’s need, but not your own.
Although I’d imagine disappointing, my advice would be would be: Listen and believe him when he says he’s not ready to settle down. If you accepted this information, what would you do then? So often I work with client’s who are convinced they can change a person’s mind or behaviour if they just tried a bit harder but I haven’t seen it happen yet. Much more likely is that a person wastes their time and energy not listening to what they’ve been told and developing feelings, only to end up heartbroken when they had the very information that could spare them this pain all along. If a friend was in this situation with a man, what would you advise her to do? I encourage you to care about yourself as much as you would one of your friends and heed that advice.
As unromantic as it may sound, part of the success of a committed relationship is two people being as the same stage of desire for commitment independently of one another. Rom Coms have been particularly unhelpful in creating the narrative of chase, drama, happily ever after, but I’m afraid that it’s Hollywood selling us a lie.
You also mention that you often end up falling in love with men who won’t commit and I notice my own therapist curiosity as to why that might be? In sessions I do a lot of work with attachment styles and I wonder if you might benefit from looking at this for yourself.
If you don’t have the finances for therapy at the moment, I’d really recommend looking into the work of Dianne Poole Heller and her work on attachment styles - she has some great material to help better understand ourselves in relationships. She also has a free online quiz that is a great starting place. I hope that you will consider redirecting your time and energy in your own direction as this self-attention is far more likely to reap you the rewards of a happy settled relationship that you deserve.
Wishing you all the best,
Gemma